I was forking the compost into a new bed (better to use a fork than shovel to save the earth worms) and my mind as usual was galloping along revisiting past scenarios, themes and friends. And the phrase from Hamlet “to thine own self be true” hovered into view.
Of all the bandied guidelines such as “a good name is better than great riches” or “love your neighbor as yourself” being true to our own self is for me the most difficult. And the difficult part is figuring out my own self.
I worked for major professional firms in London and New York in pressured environments where the mantra often was “you eat what you kill”. The body is immensely adaptable. And yes, physically, you can de-stress – for me running was the quickest, cheapest and healthiest de-stressor. But you lose something along the way and the loss occurs when you have conflicts. You have to pitch for an engagement/complete a critical project on a child’s birthday, or concert event, or family sporting event. I think the stress arises because you cannot control the options -two are in conflict and, absent deft footwork, a compromise or sacrifice must occur. For some there can be other conflicts too, where what they believe is right may not be right for the situation. And rationalization comes to the rescue – I must do this because my first responsibility is to put bread on the table for my family and if I do not then our source of income is at risk. And so it goes on and so we become more desensitized.
Along the way our value set also changes – worth and success are measured by income, and status is measured by possessions. These are easy yardsticks and do not require careful analysis. Also, self defeating, because enough is never enough and the bar for income and new goodies is continuously raised.
And with desensitization we lose touch with whom we once were – sensitive, optimistic, believing. So as I work with nature I am re-tuning myself to the draw of life, its cycles, infinite complexities and complete lack of pretense. And perhaps along the way I shall rediscover my own self.